What’s Wrong With The Bible? 4/19/08 -God Said To Noah: There’s Gonna Be A Floody-Floody!

And if you don’t get the title, you need to watch more Simpsons.  That’s right, we’re talking about The Flood™.  Let’s start off with the fact that if there were a global Flood™ we wouldn’t have the myriad aquatic species we have today.  Think about it: Have you ever accidentally put a saltwater fish in fresh water?  You end up with one dead fish.  That’s because their bodies are acclimated to the salinity of the water and any significant change in that salinity, like say a massive Flood™ that mixes all of the fresh and saltwater together, is highly detrimental to their wellbeing.  Now, let’s look at the Ark© itself.  According to Genesis 6:14-15 the Ark© was, by different cubit conversion rates, anywhere from 437.5-640 feet long.  Now, by no stretch of the imagination would two, or by Genesis 7:2 he was to take seven of every clean beast, fit into a boat that was, at best, 640 feet long.  That doesn’t even take into account room for food, water and, as Eddie Izzard put it, “a big room for poo.”  Also, how were a mere eight people supposed to care for all these animals.  How did some not aphyxiate during the rain due to there being only one window (Genesis 6:16)?  How did they keep the predatory animals from eating their prey?  Did they take insects?  What would have happened if Noah accidentally killed one of his only two mosquitos?  How would they have been able to care for creatures such as polar bears or penguins (let alone how they go to the Ark© in the first place)?  How did an olive tree survive if the entire world was covered in water?  Moreover, what did all the herbivores eat when they got off the Ark©?  How did the animals get to their respective homes and climates?  Then there’s the inbreeding.  Yep, the offspring of all those animals that there were only two of would have been forced to mate with their siblings, and nothing good ever comes from screwing your sister.  Which brings me to a similar point.  Noah’s sons’ kids would have had to mate, at best, with their first cousins and that is not the way to propogate a healthy species.  But there is one thing about the story of Noah that trumps most of the awful things in the Bible: It directly led to the creation of the film “Evan Almighty”.  I don’t think I have to tell how horrible a crime that inflicted on society.

Starbix
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